Here are some solid gold notes I have prepared for those producers in LA (calm down peeps, you will get the full version soon enough. Jeez!):
- Suri Cruise would play the child version of me - but she will need to stop being so miserable. Child genius' SMILE, it's how we tell them apart from the stupid ones.
- My birthplace will resemble Balmory and neighbours will look like Brad and Angelina.
- Brad and Angelina will play my parents. Brad must be clean shaven. Angelina must revert to insanity years - pre-adopting babies phase.
- Edited episodes of Sweet Valley High can be dropped in to fill for my high school days.
- A dance sequence will show the transition to womanhood, involving such moves as the 'drinking Jack Daniels and Coke shimmy' and the 'leaving every item of clothing all round the house whilst trying to crawl into bed drunk swing"
- There will be a 15 min intermission (I will file this under the 'career' section of my life).
- Billie's "Because we want to" will blare out to a scene of an adult me strutting down the street. Close up of my face. I wink. Black and White. Subtitles: "Winning since 1984". Fin.