TV Lied To Me

As a child I watched copious amounts of television. I did read books but tales of lame child gangs spending hours in a tree just didn't entice me like the glossy American TV shows used to. Nobody drank Ginger Beer in California. Nobody had an annoying dog. Nobody was called George and Titty.

They sold an eager pre-pubescent girl a golden dream of the possibilities available to me. Getting older was going to be brilliant, I had it all planned out. I was going to run rings around my headmaster with ridiculous scams. Spend all night out in the woods with my mates telling each other far too creepy stories. Start a band and date a stereotypical bad boy. I was going to find my long lost adopted-twin sister living the life of Riley and I would move into her plush home. I was going to be given a magical 50 pence coin that would let me do anything I wished. I'd be the only female member of an all-male basketball team. My best friend would climb into my always-open bedroom window with ladders just as I skillfully built a computer software programme to do my homework for me.

I would walk into a forest with exploding mushrooms. Join a sports excellence centre and deal with my 'issues'. Play boardgames like "Don't whizz on the electric fence". Fall in love with a can of tuna so much I may want to marry it. Spend ages with my talking cat and try to solve the family mystery, possibly taking trips to Limbo through a closet door.

Any thought of a normal life would be turned on its head when I would be subjected to a toxic waste spill, leaving me with the ability to transform into water and try and infiltrate the secret Government organisation that were responsible.

My drawings would come to life. I would whisper a secret word and become a superhero. I would try and become the next Spielberg whilst having deep and meaningful conversations with my fellow teen.

Putting the tips of my fingers together would stop time.

I would pop balloons full of shaving foam whilst riding a go-kart and be egged on by a long haired-pillock in an arran jumper.

Ah yes, this getting older lark was going to be a breeze. I had it ALL planned out.

TV may have lied to me but I forgive it...so long as I get to be a contestant on Knightmare.

*A List of the favourite TV shows from my youth, for those too young/old to follow my above ramblings. It does have a point, it wasn't me just be a deranged child...well maybe a little bit of that too.

• Saved by the Bell - Kelly Kapowski was thy mortal enemy.
• Clarissa Explains it all - Wanted to BE her. Cool bedroom. Mad Parents.
• Are You Afraid of the Dark? - I declare this meeting of the midnight society closed.
• Round the Twist - Cabbage patch babies that hold their breath? Incessant stream of bird shit? It had it all. Trippiest kids show ever.
• Sabrina the Teenage Witch - Did she ever solve the family mystery? I stopped watching it when she went to college, I'll never know...
• California Dreams - Actually knew the words to the songs the "band" had *shame*.
• Keenan and Kel - Who loves orange soda?
• Sister Sister - One was brainy, the other dumb...genius writing.
• Sweet Valley High- One was brainy, the other dumb...(what is it with twins?!)
• Ren and Stimpy - I killlllllllllllll you man!
• Rocco's Modern Life - Slightly disconcerting toad/frog family. May you all go to Heck.
• Rugrats - Phil and Lil - rock stars of the cartoon baby world.
• The Adventures of Pete and Pete - Does ANYONE else remember this?! Two brothers with the same name, their mum had a metal plate in her head and their dad was obsessed with the lawn? Pretty sure Sam Rockwell once had a part in it. Gingers? Brain Freeze? Ringing any bells?
• The Secret Life of Alex Mack - Toxicity suited her. Never effected her shiny hair.
• Hang Time - Positively Shakespeare-esque.
• Dawson's Creek - The one major fault being it's title. PACEY'S creek to the friends. Dawson's Crack to the foes.
• Gravedale high - Twilight before it's time.
• Super Ted - I reckon the secret word was "flange".
• Attack of the Killer Tomatoes - The great tomato war? Get out of town!
• Penny Crayon - Found the magic crayons in Paperchase but they cost £14.99 so sacked it. Rip off.
• Maid Marion and her Merry Men - Yep, wanted to be her as well.
• Sharkey and George - SHARK. DETECTIVES. JELLYFISH. NEMESIS.
• Moomins - Psychedelic vibe ruined by that annoying little shouty girl.
• Knightmare - Hardest kids game show ever. Still awaiting response to my application.
• Incredible Games - Weird level where you dived into a big cereal bowl with magnetic letters.
• Dungeons and Dragons - Did they ever get home?
• Jem - Shocking myself with the sheer awesomeness of this list.
• Rude Dog and The Dweebs - I wasn't even as cool as the Dweebs.
• Pee-Wee's Playhouse - Sketchy guy being sketchy in a bow-tie.
• Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? - You tell me.
• The Queens Nose - Made many futile attempts trying to make a 50p magical by sheer force yielded unsatisfactory results. 50p then used to buy sweets.
• Bodger and Badger - MASH POTATOESSSSSSSSSSS.
• Doug - The thicket of solitude. Had blue-faced friend Skeeter (this was never explained).
• Fun House - Pat Sharpe. Woolly, long-haired, talentless moron. In other words - Legend.
• Fraggle Rock - The Dozers should be contracted out by the Council.
• Grange Hill - Just say no, then get on your knees and beg for it to be reinstated.
• The Biz - Stage school drama with Paul Nicholls when he was young and beautiful and had it all before him. Joe Wicks, lest we forget.
• Children's Ward - Bit like casualty with....well, children.
• Teen Angel - Awe, how sweet! His DEAD friend came back to help/haunt him, nice...
• The Mysterious Cities of Gold - Officially the best TV theme tune ever. Don't believe me? Clickity Click!
• Greenclaws - Woo,wooo, wooowooowowooooooo.
• Itsa Bitsa - Cried actual tears when I had to learn my spellings instead of watch this. Can never look at a pipe cleaner again.
• Wackaday - Possible the most ingenious show ever. Bleuuugh. Even as I child I thought Timmy Mallett was a div.
• The Broom cupboard - Not technically a show but I miss it. All kids TV presenters should be shoved in a cupboard with a duck or gopher.
• Going Live - Oh how I wanted to speak to the stars with those big-arse mobile phones.
• The Girl From Tomorrow - Amaze headband. WANT.
• Out of This World - Her dad was in a crystal. Different.
• The Odyssey - Boy in a coma and living in his fantasy world. Mum would often pop in, adopt "ow still in coma" face and pop out.
• Heartbreak High - Australian Grange Hill.
• Sweat - Heath Ledger. Gay cyclist. Say no more.